“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
You Might Also Like
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here