She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
They must have gotten it to go.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello