I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English