[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I had to Stop for this
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming