Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Merry Christmas
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉