@JimmerThatisAll

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

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@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@FriedGoat

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes