Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil


You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector


It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.


Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project


You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.


My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.


‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.


I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes