I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.