My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
getting groceries
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You sure about that?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic