My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Basketball
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.