Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*