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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.