The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS