Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Realize this:
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?