Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.