Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.