Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.