[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME