The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.