Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
reminder
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
5 ways to appear taller
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.