Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets