Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes