Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I can also cook 😂
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Jupiter
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
It be like that sometimes 😆
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.