me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.