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@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

@Ygrene

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

@DearAuntAbby

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.