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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?