[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I love the National Park Service.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!