Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m going to need a moment here.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
North and South
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
is nasa ok