I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Meow
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
😂😂😂
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My wife gives the best headache.
This kid will have a bright future.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend