Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Care for your back
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?