Care for your back
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.