Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Oh yeah that’s it
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
hi why am I like this
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.