[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool