I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Not today.. 😂