Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
That 👊
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”