Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
True
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.