Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.