Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken