Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*