I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
RT if you could go either way.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!