I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud