I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”