Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
wtf management?!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.