a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.