I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..