@frankzulla

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

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@un_d_ciphered

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@lost__at_sea

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@vineyille

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

@VeganZebra

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.