How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??