A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?