My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.