Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line