*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.