“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.