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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Only short people can save us
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.