I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Terribly Tuesday.
A fake ID that makes you younger
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I get distracted pretty eas
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat