Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.