Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.